The Minister’s Wife
Going down Memory Lane with an old friend, our conversation discussed how the role of the minister’s wife has changed since we were young women. I became a minister’s wife, on July 8, 1951. What was expected of me then is entirely different from what is expected of the minister’s wife today
First of all, my question has always been, why are there “requirements” for the preacher’s wife in the first place? But it seems this has always been true. For example, not long ago, I met a young woman planning to marry a preacher. She told me that one of the church members asked her if she knew how to play the piano. “After all, all preacher’s wives play the piano, you know, the person said. My young friend was not sure whether this person was kidding or not.
In my time, all pastor’s wives were expected to be in worship every Sunday. Also if there were babies at worship, the minister’s wife would be the one who should care for them in a nursery. Most churches provided their male pastor and his family with a home, a parsonage – very few, if any, women were accepted as pastors then. The pastor’s wife was to keep the home clean, care for any children as well as be part of every program her husband had planned. For example, in 1969, my husband interviewed for a pastor’s job which he did not accept after he was told that the church members wanted me to quit teaching and work entirely within the church. In other words they wanted two people for one salary believing that was the wife’s duty.
Most (if not all) churches have women’s groups. In my time, the pastor’s wife had to be an active member in the women’s work, or she became a victim of some behind–her-back talk which was not always positive. (I vividly remember one woman saying to me, “Why can’t you be just like us?” And she meant it!) I learned very early that because the parsonage belonged to the church, people (especially women) could come by, unannounced, any time, usually with suggestions for how the wife could make life better for their pastor, not only in the parsonage, but also the church.
All this is not as true today. For example, instead of a parsonage, many churches give their ministers a housing allowance to buy or rent a home of their own. Now the pastor and family can have a house which they can decorate as they choose and also build some equity so they can afford a home of their own when he retires. Many Preacher’s wives also have jobs outside their homes, thus they are not at home for every church activity. I have found that most church members these days respect the wife for contributing to their family’s welfare by working outside the home, especially if the children have grown. Also I know of at least one pastor’s wife who does not attend the worship service for which her husband preaches. And I understand that the church family has accepted this, something church families in the 1950 would have had a real problem with.
Personally, I am happy to see these changes. It used to be the male minister and his family lived in a glass house for all the church people to look into and criticize or give advice. Today, the wife is allowed to be her own person and we see more women serving God as pastors. At this time when we read of so many congregations closing their doors, the church needs leadership from both man and women.